Death to my Favorite Shorts

My shorts.

These shorts have seen some great places, done great things, a few firsts, and have taken a beating. It's come that time though to retire these as they have been completely torn that duct tape simply cannot fix.

Here is my conversation with them if they could talk, of course, in a British accent.
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Me: I remember the day I bought you. I came across you on the clearance rack for $10...$10! Seriously what a steal. Unfortunately, you were a little too small, but I knew you would stretch and after, you fit like a glove.

Shorts: I had such high hopes being from Ralph Lauren but unfortunately because I had a few cosmetic blemishes, no one wanted me. So Ralph sent me somewhere else to find a new home. TJ Maxx. I can't believe I landed there, the hell for pieces of clothing. I remember thinking, "I have more value than this!" Yeah I remember you trying me on, do you have any idea how that felt for me?! It was "close", but you were not made to fit in a 30 waist.

Me: I know but I just thought for $10 it was worth it. Plus after awhile, you stretched out and fit perfectly.

Shorts: Pain. FULL.

Me: What are you complaining about anyway? Potentially, you could have gone home with some rich kid, worn a few times, and left in a drawer.

Shorts: ...and what's the problem with that? I would have lasted longer than 2 years...

Me: Yeah you would have lived a longer life, but what would you have seen there? A fancy party? Maybe a college party? Some hot girls? Then get stuffed to a drawer. Sounds like a sweet life.

Shorts: I WOULD HAVE LASTED LONGER.

Me: I took you everywhere, think about it. Remember moving to Utah from Ohio? Remember climbing that huge 5.11 roof in the Red?

Shorts: Ok yeah that was bloody brilliant.

Me: And what about all of the places that we got to see on The Most Epic Trip? Hell, I had other pairs of shorts/pants and I always opted to wear you. We saw 40+ states and climbed in nearly 3/4 of them.

Shorts: I smelled rancid after awhile.

Me: Yeah you did. But I took care of you when we got to a house.

Shorts: Yes, you did. Once a week, maybe.

Me: I took you everywhere though, climbing, hiking, cycling, and mountain biking.

Shorts: Those were good times but I'll never forgive you for tearing me while getting on your bike. Seriously, how do you rip shorts, getting onto a bike?

Me: Well, you saw some wear and tear in the washer, my bad, but I fixed you up with duct tape.

Shorts: That made me look less trashy, obviously. (sarcasm)

Me: What's the difference, you fit in well but...

I have some bad news for you. I don't know how to say this, but I have to put you away, for good.

Short: What are you talking about? Why?! It's not that bad!

Me: I can't repair you with duct tape anymore. You're cut bad after that Moab mountain biking trip, leaving my junk completely exposed. Seriously, it's like I'm not even wearing shorts at all.

Shorts: ...

Me: I'm sorry. This wasn't an easy decision for me. We've been through a lot together but all great things come to an end. I tried fixing you with more duct tape but you are just too weak.

Shorts: *sigh* I saw this coming. I guess I was just in denial but seriously you can't sew me up?

Me: I don't have that type of equipment...nor the skill. I think you would rip again anyway. Your body is getting weaker with every wash...

I just want to say thanks for standing by me through all of the scary/sketchy things that I was doing. Believe it or not, you made me look good. You were a confidence booster because I thoroughly believe that if you think you look good, then you feel good, and you will perform better.

Shorts: I did what I would do for anyone but I'm glad we met.

Me: You took so many battle wounds throughout the time we were together and lasted through them. I was always impressed by that.

Shorts: Thanks and the ladies are into scars. Looking back on it, it really was worth it. I lived. I had the opportunity to be part of something really fun and exhilarating. To be honest when I landed in TJ Maxx I thought I was going there to die. But then when it came down to finding you, I learned that I went there to live. I saw places that I don't know if I would have ever seen if I stayed with Ralph Lauren. It was a life worth living.

Me: I hope so.

Shorts: My only regret is that I didn't last longer. I thought I had at least another year. I wanted to see so much more of this world.

Me: I know, I really thought the same thing. Unpredictable accidents happen though, I just wish they didn't happen to you. Again, thank you for being there for me and I hope I gave you an exciting life.

Shorts: You're welcome. I just wish I went to at least one fancy party...

Me: Well, you were pretty gross after a few days of climbing, so yeah that wasn't happening.

RIP Ralph Lauren Shorts. You definitely didn't last long, but you lived more of a life than many other pairs.

Meet his successor, Burnside black.